You have undoubtedly heard this quote or some variation of it hundreds of times: “We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.” Although many versions of this quote exist, the Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, c. 50 — c. 135 AD, was probably the first to vocalize this thought.
Imagine, even in the days before someone could cut you off in traffic, or before people were bombarded with negative news from all sorts of media sources 24/7, or even before kids were exposed to TV shows with messages you wish they didn’t hear…people were already thinking of ways to control their reactions to things.
How does this relate to you being a better, more positive parent? If you have control over how you react, you then have more power and influence over how your message is received. Not only that, you are modeling a lesson that will benefit your children in all aspects of their lives from school to careers to relationships.
For some, reacting positively comes naturally. For most, however, it is a learned art and takes some discipline and conscious effort. No one can be expected to react positively every time in every situation. That’s just not normal.
Reacting positively does not mean you are a wet dishrag or someone who just doesn’t care. What it does mean, is that it allows you to take a potentially bad situation and find a better, more beneficial approach. By staying rational, calm, and positive, you are more apt to be able to analyze something, thereby helping you and others involved find a better solution or workaround.
Just imagine responding to your child with a calm question: “why did you knock your brother’s Lego tower over that he worked so hard on?” versus yelling “go to your room right now!” By approaching the situation calmly and not just reacting, you can potentially get to the root of the problem and continue with the teaching moment. The discipline you choose at that point has a more direct and lasting impact you can build upon for future circumstances.
HOW TO SUPERCHARGE YOUR POSITIVE PARENTING CAPABILITIES
Decide on words that are off-limits
By making it very clear which words are unacceptable to use from the time your kids are little, you are setting the stage for more positive interactions.
Words like ‘hate,’ ‘always,’ ‘never’ can be easily replaced with ‘I don’t like,’ ‘most of the time,’ or ‘seldom.’
Decide early on that yelling is a no-go
This is a tough one for even the most dedicated, kind, and rational parent.
Believe me — I know. I was never a yeller and remember being shocked at myself the first few times I heard myself yelling at my kids in the heat of the moment. Where did that come from?
It’s very difficult to keep your emotions in check when your frustration level is in the red zone. But if you make a conscious effort to be aware of why and when you yell, you are taking the first step in making a change. If you are going to yell at your kids, it’s quite unrealistic to expect them not to yell back.
Don’t allow name-calling
Name-calling should never be tolerated as it reflects a lack of respect for others. Just as you wouldn’t call your boss ‘stupid’ to his or her face, you shouldn’t let your kids call each other, their friends, or anyone else for that matter by a derogatory name.
‘Stupid,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘dummy,’ ‘jerk,’ the list could go on and on.
Teach your kids how to express those frustrations another way. You can model this behavior with rephrasing. For example, if you hear your child say “Adam is so stupid, he failed his math test again.” Help him rephrase that and explore other possibilities such as suggesting to Adam he could get extra help from his teacher.
Keep negative non-verbal expressions in check
Being negative goes beyond only verbal reactions. I used to get frustrated with my husband about something and instead of getting into an argument, I’d go into the kitchen and bang the pots and pans around or close the cabinet doors with a little ‘extra emphasis.’ He knew exactly what was going on and called me out on it every time! (I don’t do that anymore, haha).
When your child stomps off and slams his bedroom door, or when he rolls his eyes at you in response to something, those are definitely negative reactions which are invitations for you to correct that behavior.
Stop saying ‘No,’ ‘Don’t,’ and ‘Can’t’ as much as possible
Obviously, there are times when a firm no is absolutely necessary.
I’m not trying to paint a picture that every phrase you utter should only consist of positive and ‘rosy’ words and phrases. Not only is that not humanly possible (in my humble opinion), but it also wouldn’t provide a very realistic picture of the world.
The whole idea is to prepare your kids for whatever life brings their way, and that includes dealing with many people who are not going to be positive and cheery. However, you can help train your child’s brain to think in a more positive way.
Replace “don’t leave your glass on the table” with “could you please put your glass in the dishwasher.” Or “you can’t watch TV right now” with “once your homework is complete, you can watch TV for an hour.” Simple changes that can bring big results.
Notice when your kids are doing something right and comment on it
Our natural inclination is to react when something is wrong. We are usually very quick to intervene when something isn’t going just right.
It takes much greater effort to remember to comment casually and notice when your child (or anyone) does something right.
When your child makes his bed in the morning without being reminded, how simple is it to say, “wow your bed looks great — thanks for remembering to make it.” Or when your child gets her homework done and announces she’s finished, why not acknowledge that with, “great — you really got after it today,” instead of immediately launching into the next to-do such as, “okay it’s time to clean your room now.”
Notice the good things and your kids will feel much more appreciated. You’ll be surprised by the confidence boost this one little change can make.
Don’t fall into the “If…then” trap
These come across as threats, many times empty threats as they are usually said in the heat of the moment. Often you haven’t even thought this through and the consequence you are threatening is never carried out. This teaches kids to tune you out and really waters down any impact you intended these phrases to have.
“If you don’t eat every bite of your dinner, then you won’t get anything else to eat for the rest of the night” loses its punch when you give in later and let your child have an apple or some Oreos for that matter.
Be prepared for other ways of dealing with a situation and pay attention to your words. If you hear yourself using the dreaded “If…then,” work on replacing that with something more positive. “It looks like you’re not very hungry for dinner. You can have an apple later when you feel hungrier,” is non-threatening and also lays out a clear cut plan.
State the obvious, then explore different options
Let’s say your kids are sitting at the kitchen table happily crafting away.
Suddenly an argument breaks out because they both want to use the glitter glue at the same time. Instead of the usual “stop that arguing right now,” think about summarizing the situation first. “It’s great that you both love using the glitter glue. You’re getting very creative on your projects. How about if we set a timer to make taking turns using it easier.”
Asking your kids to stop arguing or stop hitting or stop whining really doesn’t solve anything. Stop…and then what? Depending on their ages, it’s much better to guide them to a better solution or ask them how they could solve this.
Phrases like “How about…” or “Have you thought about…” or “Do you have some ideas as to how to solve this?” are a great start to turning a negative situation into something more positive.
USE POSITIVE WORDS TO GUIDE KIDS WITH WHAT THEY CAN DO (INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON WHAT THEY CAN’T DO)
Keeping in mind that your role as a parent is to guide, teach, and nurture with the end goal of raising happy, responsible, and independent adults, it always helps to step back and reflect on this “big picture” every once in a while.
It’s easy enough to get caught up in the day to day which calls for quick reactions to what can, at times, seem like impossible situations. Having a framework to operate within helps you maneuver through the craziness.
You find yourself feeling good about how you are dealing with the challenges which are inherent in raising children. You face each day with positivity and are more resilient to the ups and downs. You are more relaxed and able to have more fun with your kids.
The big beneficiaries, of course, are your children. You are paving the way for them to be able to face obstacles and frustrations that they will encounter as they find their way in the world. Everything from the playground to the classroom to teenage drama will be easier for them to handle when armed with a positive attitude.
Start with a keen awareness of how you are reacting to situations. Allow yourself to explore different ways of dealing with things than you have been. Arm yourself with alternative words and phrases so they come easily and naturally to you. Practice positive self-talk every day. After all, you can’t outwardly express positivity if negativity is swirling around inside your head. You’ve got this. And remember — every day is a new day!