The last time you checked, you had 12 “urgent” items on your to-do list, you forgot the load of laundry that is now wrinkling in the dryer, the library books are due today, and you have no idea what to cook for dinner.
Does any of that sound like a typical day for you?
And in the midst of all this, you are trying not to get irritated and start yelling at your kids to hurry up with their homework, get their rooms tidied, and stop fighting about what TV show to watch after dinner.
You realize, even in the heat of the moment, that yelling and losing your temper is not the answer, but you are also at a loss as to how to keep your cool — how do you handle these daily challenges in a more positive manner?
WHY THE REALITY OF POSITIVE PARENTING ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK
Knowing that this is just normal, everyday life is the first step to deal with whatever frustration comes your way. There are countless books written on this subject and although they can be helpful, who truly has time to read all those?
Instead of trying to squeeze in more knowledge, to me, it’s about simplifying. Too much knowledge can ultimately add to your frustration.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change everything to become a more positive parent!
In the end, it’s really about making a simple mindset shift. You have to make a firm decision that you will approach these daily challenges in a different way.
Yes, you CAN speak in a calm tone rather than yelling. Yes, you CAN take a deep breath before you answer or decide how to handle a situation. Yes, you CAN give your child a hug to diffuse a heated situation.
GUIDEBOOKS CAN’T PREPARE YOU TO BE A PARENT
You’ve probably figured it out by now — no matter how many books you read, or how much advice you got from your own parents or friends…
NOTHING prepares you for being a parent until you actually are a parent!
This is just a fact. I remember so many moments where I was so frustrated because I was in the middle of a toddler having a tantrum, or a child who forged my signature on a test paper, or my child refusing to stay in his bed at bedtime and on and on.
What in the world am I supposed to do now?
Of course, there is help out there in the form of books and advice. However, most of the time you have to fall back on your own instincts. Just knowing that there will always be things to deal with makes it even more essential to decide ahead of time:
How will I react?
THERE IS NO BLACK AND WHITE, ONLY GRAY
To make things even more complicated, there is no black and white answer here. There is no absolute right or wrong. There are a thousand different ways a situation can be dealt with and you have to choose how YOU will handle it.
So don’t worry too much about always making the right choice. But what you can do is mentally prepare for those times. If you know dinner time always results in an argument, prepare for that by deciding how you’ll handle it.
Creativity and humor are always good options when you need some ideas on how to solve a tough situation. The “gray” allows for flexibility, for choices that best fit your style and will resonate more with your kids.
You have a lot going on here. You have your child’s personality (and if you have several children then you have each of those differing personalities), your own personality, and then potentially yet another from your spouse or partner.
Whew. You better believe there is no black and white answer with that much going on. That’s just not realistic.
But knowing that allows you to not worry about always handling something the “right” way. It’s about handling it the best way possible.
PERFECTION IS WORSE THAN JUST OKAY
Let’s get one thing straight. There is no such thing as perfection. If you try to be a “perfect parent” you are in for a rough road.
Not only that, but reflecting back on a situation and beating yourself up for not handling it “the right way” will just cause you stress and worry that will not solve anything.
You WILL make mistakes. Lots of them. Most of them will not have an impact in the long-term. I can remember a few times where I really lost it and literally screamed at my kids. Not my proudest moment. But we’re all human, and guess what? My kids don’t even remember that today.
If you mess up and you know you messed up, there is nothing simpler and more impactful than apologizing to your kids. That allows your humanness to shine through and also teaches a life lesson.
What a great skill to model!
POSITIVE AND PERMISSIVE ARE WAY DIFFERENT
Sometimes the idea of “positive parenting” gets confused with “permissive parenting.” Not really sure why this is as they are not related at all.
Just because you are not going to yell and scream at your child for not turning their homework assignment in on time, does not mean you are letting them get away with it!
Children love to know what their boundaries are. I strongly believe that permissive parenting sets you up for an unhappy and unruly child. But that doesn’t mean kids won’t test those boundaries. And that’s where the problems can arise.
Positive parenting simply means setting those rules and boundaries and then enforcing them in a kind, respectful, yet firm manner.
Kids are more equipped to handle their daily challenges when they have a clear understanding of the expectations set for them. It takes the guesswork away from them. Their path is much clearer and easier to maneuver and in turn, provides them with a great feeling of security.
SHORT-TERM VERSUS LONG-TERM GIVES A NEW PERSPECTIVE
This is not a one time and done parenting solution! You have 18 years to raise this child into a person who will contribute in some way to this wonderful world.
Look at each situation as something that will be building on the next.
Keep the communication open, respectful, and focused on the situation at hand. If you address your kids the way you would like to be spoken to, it will make a huge difference.
Remember that your kids won’t always be 2, or 5, or 13. They are evolving into their own little person every day.
Take it day by day, situation by situation. Try to stop and think about how to react before you actually react.
Make little changes. Instead of yelling, squat down, look your child in the eye and address them in a calm tone. Present your consequence as a fact, not a threat. Each change you make sets the tone for future interactions.
PARENTING IS A JOURNEY — EMBRACE THE ADVENTURE
There is no magic wand you can wave to instantly stop your child’s tantrum or put their toys away without being reminded. Wouldn’t that be nice? Parenting is a process. Most of the time you are learning right alongside your kids.
Nobody has a guide book, nobody knows exactly what to do in each situation. But in the end, it is your personal journey that will make you a better parent. If you aren’t focused and happy with how you handle things, how can you expect your kids to react positively to your directions or requests?
Your child is learning from your examples. No matter how big or how small, your actions and reactions are being watched and absorbed in detail.
Someone gave me some great advice once:
“If you want to know why your child is acting a certain way, go look in the mirror.”
That really hit home for me and stuck with me throughout all my parenting years! If you want to raise responsible, well-adjusted children who will be able to handle any situation that comes their way, it is truly up to you to model that behavior for them.
If you make little changes, day by day you will see the progress not only in your kids but in yourself as well. There will be challenges and adventures around every turn. Make a goal of 2 to 3 positive changes per week — the end result will amaze you!