You can’t help yourself.
The little girl on the playground that your daughter has just made friends with looks like the perfect child.
Her hair is tied in 2 beautiful french braids. She is wearing an adorable blue and red shirt that looks like it did not come from the latest Target sale. Shorts to match in the same shade of blue, little white socks with ruffles, and of course sneakers that still look brand new.
Ahhh — quite the contrast to your little munchkin who insisted on wearing the same Frozen t-shirt she wants to wear pretty much every day.
Her hair is flying everywhere as she refused to let you put it in a ponytail. The shorts are the ones she grabbed without paying attention to the fact that the color totally clashes with the t-shirt, and her sneakers still have mud on them from the last playground visit.
You can’t quite stifle your slight feeling of envy. Of course, you love your child to the moon and back. That’s not it at all. No, this is more about you.
You start second-guessing your “mom abilities.” Why didn’t you insist that she wear a cuter, matching outfit? Why didn’t you make tying her hair back a requirement before leaving for the playground? Why didn’t you clean her shoes after the last outing?
But suddenly the little girl you have been admiring starts yelling at her mom. It’s time to go, but the little girl is not having it.
The situation escalates and the mom starts yelling at the child. A very unpleasant scene unfolds for all to watch.
Maybe things in that household aren’t so perfect after all.
WHY ARE WE SO FOCUSED ON PERFECTION?
Why do we try to compare ourselves and our style of parenting to others? Why do we so often think that other parents have their act together so much more than we do? Why do we think the “other way” is the “better way?”
Sometimes this can stem from a natural ‘perfectionist’ style personality. It stands to reason that if you are a perfectionist in other areas of your life that you would carry that over to being a parent.
That idea doesn’t work out so well however. Now you have a little person involved who has his or her own idea of how to do things.
I remember when my first child was about 2 or 2–1/2 and we were getting ready to go somewhere. I had his little outfit all picked out and ready to go. He, however, had other ideas and was very adamant about wanting to wear something else. It was just something casual so I didn’t mind switching. But I couldn’t get over the fact that a 2-year-old could already have such a strong opinion about something. Talk about a reality check!
A THOUSAND QUESTIONS THAT GO ROUND AND ROUND IN YOUR MIND
As a parent, you suddenly step into a world you don’t know. Not only are you new at all this, but you know that as your child grows, each age and each stage puts you into territory you’ve never been in before.
Additionally, there are so many opinions, recommendations, and advice floating around out there, you have even less confidence in your decisions. Naturally, this opens up the door to question yourself. How do you know if you are doing it right?
You wonder how others seem to be so good, so “perfect” at this parenting thing and sometimes you flat out feel like you suck at it.
Should you go back to work and be the career mom or should you stay home? Should you homeschool or go the traditional route? Should you make your child eat those vegetables or do you let her eat whatever she wants? Do you use time-outs when you discipline or do you listen to those that say that is “old-school?” Do you pay an allowance for chores or should they be viewed as a normal family contribution?
You get the idea. The questions are endless. The second-guessing is natural.
CAN I KEEP UP WITH “THE JONES” SYNDROME
Alas, this is an age-old issue. And maybe it has a different name these days. That’s what my parents used to call it anyway. But the root of the dilemma is the same. Will people think less of you if you aren’t keeping up the societal stigma of appearances?
Whether it’s the car you drive, the way you dress, the job you have, how manicured your lawn is — it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, the tendency to compare ourselves to others is deep-rooted in modern society.
This then translates to your kids and how you parent. You can only see the “outward” appearances, however. Similar to the playground scene described earlier, what you see on the outside is not always indicative of what’s really happening.
The little girl on the playground you thought was so perfect may have behavioral issues. The mom who plans the most amazing birthday party may have a very superficial relationship with her child.
The PTA President who seems to have time to volunteer for everything imaginable may be deeply unhappy. The cute couple with the two kids across the street who seem to have it all together may be having marriage problems.
I found out long ago that there is often more going on than outward appearances may suggest. So why waste your energy and efforts in trying to be more like “them?”
No one is perfect. No person and no parent!
WHY STRIVING FOR “THE BEST” IS BETTER THAN PERFECTION
Do you tell your children ‘I expect you to be perfect everyday’? I sincerely doubt it. Almost every parent I have ever spoken to tells their children it’s okay to make mistakes, yet encourages them to try their best, do their best, make their best effort in whatever they are doing.
So why would you hold yourself to different standards than what you hold your kids to? Instead of feeling guilty that you sent store-bought cookies for the class party instead of homemade, or that you have to use a tutorial to help you with craft ideas instead of creating your own, focus on the fact that the end result is pretty much the same.
Our kids benefit from the fact that you are there for them. You are present. You are spending focused time with them. Your job is to build the best relationship possible with your children. You are modeling a good example of compassion, responsibility, trustworthiness. Our kids won’t care that you served take-out pizza and a store-bought cake at their birthday party. It’s the fun and laughter and celebration that they will remember.
FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS AND DITCH THE “PERFECTION” MINDSET
In numerous interviews with elderly people who had raised children that are now responsible, happy, caring adults, Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. at Cornell University found a common thread among the group. They all agreed that parents are setting themselves and their kids up for failure if they try to meet the bar of perfection.
If you are expecting yourself to be perfect, that also means you are expecting perfection out of your kids. Or at the very least, you feel like you have failed if you don’t have the ‘perfect’ answer or solution when problems or misbehaviors arise — which of course they will.
If you find yourself trying to be perfect more often than not, make it a point to change your mindset, and instead, follow your instincts to be the best parent you possibly can.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Allow yourself to not know all the answers. Find ways to make changes that will bring improvements.
Trying to strive for perfection will cause you to lose focus of what’s really important. When your kids are grown and you ask them if they wished you could have made more elaborate crafts or baked fancier cookies, I can guarantee you they will look at you with a baffled stare.
Your kids will remind you of all the fun you had together making a mess in the kitchen and how you laughed yourselves silly when the gingerbread house you built came crashing down 5 minutes after you finished it. They will remember the fun and pleasure of these moments, not how perfect or great the end result was.
Being a parent is not easy, don’t get me wrong. But spending time trying to be perfect won’t help you solve those really hard problems. The time you spend building trust, open communication, a strong bond — that will carry you through just about anything.